Pleasures and Terrors of Levitation

Aaron Siskind, Pleasures and Terrors of Levitation #99, 1961

I pinned this picture by Siskind on one of my boards back when I was just about to formally set up my practice in 2018. It resonated with me back then for many reasons: the exhilaration and joy the person must have been feeling at that point in time, and — as the name implies — surely, the fear that comes with being in that state of abandon. What this picture captures is not the accidental state of finding yourself mid-air, but an intentional jump that gives you momentary freedom from the ground beneath you.

Intention. Freedom. Abandon. Exhilaration. Fear. Joy.

All of these were emotions I was feeling when I was setting up the practice. I had just quit teaching my position as Assistant Professor at BNU, and had decided to give full-time practice a proper go. Since then, I've thoroughly enjoyed working on growing the practice and doing the work that I've been doing - until recently. For the past few months, I've lost joy in the work I do and I'm questioning whether the direction I've taken the practice in was the one I really wanted to take — and I've been struggling to figure out why and how to correct course. The laziest explanation for why is burnout, but that's just the symptom, not the cause. It could be that motherhood has shifted my perspective on what work is and how much it defines my self. Whatever it is, I realize I need a space to think, reflect and share beyond my formal practice, in hope of trying to recapture some of that joy — and I need to allow it to be messy and imperfect if that's what it takes. The nature of the architecture and design industry is that the practice must present itself in a very curated form — or maybe that's my own personal (mis)understanding of it and not really true — but, if I am going to work (and reflect) with the garage door up, I must start with it being independent of the practice. So, the intention is to quit trying to present only the most curated version of myself and my thoughts, which is admittedly way outside my comfort zone, and hopefully in the process, start to rediscover my love for the work I do, but also for all that I have let go in pursuit of a successful practice.

None of the mainstream social media platforms allow me the freedom to express myself however it feels right at any point in time (limitations of medium, etc.), and they are also just that - social media platforms. This is to be a space that is about my thoughts in whatever form they take, with an audience I shall remain blissfully unaware of - but an audience nonetheless (even if imagined).

Of course, it's not all that serious that this post is probably making it sound like - there are millions of blogs out there, and at the end of the day, it's just a blog. If anything, it needs to be not that serious. The idea is to have fun with this online space that I'm carving out for myself to talk about, share and reflect on all the varies interests I've always had.